Ba Humbug

Yeah, I said it. Ba Humbug! I am just not feeling the Christmas spirit this year. I don't know what it is but this funk is just lingering. I got all of my Christmas shopping done already for those that were on our very short list. I have the tree up and decorated and other decorations around the house. I'm going to church every Sunday and attempting to pay attention. I just don't know what is going on.

I have been feeling down lately, maybe even depressed, so I am most definitely sure this is contributing to the problem. I just feel like I am waiting for the part where this is the worst part and things will only get better but it still seems like there is more to come. You know the "things will only get worse before they get better" saying. There are so many things that are either unsaid or not resolved for many reasons I don't understand. I am crying all of the time. I don't know what to do anymore. I wish I was eloquent and could explain my feelings in a more poetic way so that others could understand what I am trying to say. I don't always know what I am feeling either. I just cry for whatever reason. Like now, I am crying as I am typing this. I have wanted to post something for a while now but struggled with what to write about or how much detail I could add and if I had to leave things out to keep it vague what kind of story would that be to tell. Details make all the difference, even the small little minute ones. I just want to say it like it is and not hurt anyone's feelings or divulge more of the story to those who really don't need to know.

I'm feeling lonely, and unappreciated, and worn out, exhausted, ignored, confused, lost, fed up, disappointed, angry, ashamed, not worthy, blah.... I am trying to be optimistic and keep looking for that silver lining and try to remember "this too shall pass" but am beginning to give up hope.

I have noticed that things have changed. I no longer like watching romantic movies, even if it's a romantic comedy. I don't like reading those kind of books either (never have). What's the point in feeling those emotions and hoping for something even minutely close to that if it's never going to happen.

I am very stressed about Christmas too. I hate having to plan it out and make sure everyone fits in (and where they want to be) and tip toeing around trying not to hurt anyone's feelings.

I wish I had been given better tools to deal with adulthood but "You get what you get, and don't get upset". Now I am stuck with trying to figure things out and stressing about other things too much, on my own of course. It's so hard! And if I ask for help I either get ignored or am left like dirt. I don't know what to do anymore. I am trying. I just don't know what more to do. I know whatever doesn't kill me will only make me stronger and that I will learn some great Life Lesson from all of this but I wish it were over already. I want to be at the part where I can look back and laugh. I'm tired of feeling like this.